At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Please don't give away my fajitas
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
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