the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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