After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
You ruined the universe
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
