He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
