Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
