the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
