i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
