I'm laying in your front yard are you home
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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