I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
