The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
