Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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