I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
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