at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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