Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
