Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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