I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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