My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
