just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
