You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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