My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Randomize
