So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
