you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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