Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
