Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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