i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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