Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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