and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
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