An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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