In the future we'll all be gay
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Randomize
