It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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