sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
