I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
