Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
