I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Randomize
