2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
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