I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
