we have pet lesbian snakes
I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
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