Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
