I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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