i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
this will be a night to untag.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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