oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
