I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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