saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize