i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
My Higher Power is John Stamos
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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