Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
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