watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
