I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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