PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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