a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
