I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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