My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
