this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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