He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
