I think I won the penis lottery.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
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