I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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