Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
