I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
