I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
